When we each first told people we were starting IVF, we both were met with a heartfelt, well-intended response:
“Congratulations, that’s so exciting!”
It came from a place of kindness. But it wasn’t what either one of us needed to hear. At that moment, IVF didn’t feel exciting. It felt overwhelming. Inside, we were trying to process everything that had already led to this point – the years of trying, the loss of spontaneity, and the uncertainty of not knowing whether any of it would work.
Like so many people going through IVF, we knew that it came from a place of kindness. “They meant well.” And they did.
The truth is, IVF feels different for everyone. Supporting someone through IVF isn’t always straightforward, even when it comes from a place of love. That’s why there’s no perfect thing to say.
What matters most isn’t getting the words exactly right. It’s showing up with kindness, listening without trying to fix things, and letting the person you care about know they don’t have to go through it alone.
This post is for the friends and family who want to do exactly that.
Why Supporting Someone Through IVF Can Feel Difficult
Supporting someone through IVF isn’t always easy.
You want to help. You want to say the right thing. But when someone you care about is going through something so personal, it can be difficult to know what they need.
IVF is often a mix of hope and uncertainty. One day there may be optimism. The next, disappointment. There are appointments, medications, waiting, and so many unknowns along the way.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering:
- What should I say?
- Should I ask how it’s going, or wait for them to bring it up?
- How can I be supportive without saying the wrong thing?
- What can I do that will actually help?
You’re not alone and you don’t need perfect words. More often than not, simply knowing someone cares means more than saying the perfect thing.
When Good Intentions Unintentionally Add Pressure
One of the hardest things about IVF is that it rarely follows a predictable timeline. It can involve multiple cycles, setbacks, and long periods of waiting. There are no guarantees, no matter how much everyone hopes there will be.
That’s why it’s a little ironic that many of the comments that can hurt the most are often said with the very best intentions. They’re usually an attempt to offer hope, reassurance, or make a difficult situation feel a little lighter.
You may have heard phrases like:
- “Just stay positive.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “At least you know…”
They all come from a place of kindness. But for someone going through IVF, they can unintentionally minimise the uncertainty, grief, and fear that often come with it.
Future-focused comments can be especially difficult. Alex was once told how excited someone was for Christmas because “you might have a baby by then.”
It was a hopeful comment, and it came from a place of care. But instead of bringing comfort, it was another reminder of everything that was still uncertain.
Comments like these can unintentionally add another layer of pressure – the feeling that you’re carrying not only your own hopes, but everyone else’s expectations too.
Even seemingly innocent questions like “Do you have children?” or “Why don’t you have kids?” can feel incredibly difficult during this time.
What to Say - and Why It Helps
You don’t need to find the perfect words to support someone going through IVF. For us, the things that meant the most were often the simplest. Things like “I’m really sorry you’re going through this,” or “That sounds incredibly hard,” acknowledge what someone is experiencing without trying to make it better.
Sometimes, a simple message can mean just as much.
- “Thinking of you today.”
- “I’m here if you need me—no pressure to reply.”
- “Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.”
Those kinds of check-ins let your friend or family member know they’re not alone, without making them feel like they have to respond or give updates on how treatment is going.
As our journeys went on, we both found ourselves craving a bit of normality too. Some days we wanted to talk about IVF, but on others we just wanted to chat about everyday life and everything not IVF. Having people who could do both meant so much to us.
Don’t take it personally if your friend or family member doesn’t always want to talk about IVF. Simply following their lead is often one of the kindest and best things you can do. Often, the most supportive thing isn’t finding the right words. It’s creating the space and letting them decide if, when, and how much they want to share.
What Not to Say - and Why It Can Be Difficult
No one means to say the wrong thing, and yet some phrases can be harder to hear than you might expect.
- “Just relax.” IVF isn’t caused by stress, and relaxing can’t change the outcome of treatment.
- “Everything happens for a reason.” While it’s often meant to be comforting, it can unintentionally minimise the grief and uncertainty someone is feeling.
- “Have you tried…?” Most people going through IVF have already explored countless options with their fertility team, so advice can sometimes feel overwhelming rather than helpful.
- Making assumptions about timelines. Comments like these come from a place of hope, but IVF rarely follows a predictable path.
We’ve learnt that one of the kindest things you can do is make space for whatever the person is feeling today, rather than focusing on what you hope tomorrow might bring.
When Actions Matter More Than Words
Sometimes, the most meaningful support doesn’t come from finding the right words – it comes from simply being there. Dropping off a meal, offering to help with childcare, running an errand, or checking in after an appointment can make a huge difference when someone is carrying so much emotionally.
Remembering an important date, like an egg collection, embryo transfer, or pregnancy test, can help someone feel seen and supported.
And sometimes, you don’t need to do anything at all. Just sitting with someone, listening, or letting them know you’re thinking of them can mean more than you realise.
Supporting After Difficult News
After disappointing news, whether that’s a failed cycle, a miscarriage, or another setback, it’s normal to worry about saying the wrong thing.
The truth is, you don’t need to have the perfect response. Simply saying, “I’m so sorry,” or “I’m here if you want to talk,” can mean more than trying to find the right explanation or make things feel better.
You can also let them know you’re thinking of them with a simple message like, “I’m thinking of you today,” or “I’m holding space for whatever you’re feeling.”
You don’t need to fix anything. Just being there is often enough.
When You’re Not Sure What to Do
If you’re ever unsure, it’s okay to say that too. Something as simple as “I don’t always know the right words, but I care,” can mean a lot. Or “Let me know how I can support you—or if you’d just like some company.”
People rarely remember the perfect words. They remember who checked in, who listened, and who stayed. That matters far more than getting everything exactly right.
Final Thoughts
Supporting someone through IVF isn’t about finding the perfect words. It’s about being willing to sit alongside them through the uncertainty, without trying to fix it or rush them towards hope.
As much as you may wish you could make things better, simply listening, avoiding assumptions, and checking in without expectation can make someone feel incredibly supported during one of the hardest experiences of their life.
If you’re reading this because someone you love is going through IVF, thank you. The fact that you’re here, taking the time to learn how to support them, already says a lot.
You don’t have to get everything right. Showing up with kindness, patience, and compassion is more than enough.
